A Whole Lot of Why

There are a lot of things about back country fashion that I don?t understand. Like hunters. Hunter fashion completely mystifies me.

Khaki coveralls cleverly complemented by a dayglo orange vest with a giant florescent X across the front and back. What is that about?

Aren?t khaki coveralls designed for stepping into a forest and becoming a tree? Aren?t florescent vests for preventing yourself from being mistaken for a tree? How is this supposed to work? You think the deer only see you from the waist down? Even if you subscribe to the ?wildlife are colour blind? theory, it still doesn?t make any sense. If wildlife are colour blind, then why wear camouflage at all?

Seat belts in helicopters. There is another thing I don?t understand. Like, ?Gee passengers, it seems we?ve lost power and are currently plummeting at a speed of 500 miles an hour. We?re about to smack earth?s cheek with an impact similar to a freight train running over an egg, before we instantaneously morph into a fireball.

Fortunately, we have seat belts.?

Counting sheep jumping over a fence to get to sleep is another mystery to me. How is this a tranquil thought? Doesn?t anyone ever wonder how the farmer is supposed to get them back in? Or what?s going to happen them when they get to the other side? You think they?re going to be all frolicking and free, scampering happily through the fields and forest? Not so. As a former shepherd, I?ll tell you what?s going to happen. A coyote is going to grab them by the throat and eat them.

He?s going to eat them all. Every last one of them. Not so sleepy now, are we?

Shoes never get dirty on sitcoms. Ever notice that? Everyone just walks right on in with their shoes on, yet somehow sitcom rooms stay incredibly clean. Everything gleams and shines. There is a total absence of clutter. Everyone is skinny. Everything is wonderful. I wouldn?t mind seeing some of those sitcom stars jump a fence to put me to sleep. If there were a coyote waiting on the other side, well, so much the better.

Those Honorary Degrees Colleges and Universities give out to famous type people. What?s that about? Does being a successful actor suddenly inject you with complete knowledge of every given profession? Will these degrees hold up in a job interview should their chosen professions go awry? Could Sylvester Stallone perform open heart surgery in his home town? Do any of the washed up flavours of the month try to use these degrees at job interviews? It could happen. If your surgeon?s name sounds familiar, it wouldn?t hurt to do a quick Google, just to be sure.

C.B.?s. Remember them? All those secret numbers and code words.

Instead of saying ?Where are you George?? You would say ?Hey, what?s your 10-20 Big Daddy?? It didn?t matter that everyone knew 10-20 meant ?where are you? or that Big Daddy was George, we stuck to the code. We embraced the mystery.

Why the total lack of lingo with cell phones? Oh sure, instead of saying what?s your 10-20, early cell phone users consistently substituted ?George, you?ll never guess where I?m calling you from!? But that?s as code as the movement ever got. Today it has regressed to a mirror image of home phones. We flip open our cell phones with the same nonchalance formerly reserved for punching the button on a hand dryer.

And that?s sad.

Like when a plane takes off and you look at the fellow across the aisle and he?s flipping through his newspaper. Eight hundred thousand pounds of steel are about to lift off the ground and skim over the face of the earth at an altitude of 30,000 feet for the next three hours and your seat mate is too bored to lift his eyes off the daily news? We should be cheering. We should be awed. We should be flipping open our cell phones and dialling up George to say, ?Hey, Big Daddy, you?ll never believe what just happened . . .?

Unless, of course, the paper you?re reading is this one. In that case, there?s nothing to see down there but square fields, river ribbons and clouds. Keep reading.