Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery.
Groan, hiss, boo, tomato toss. OK, It?s true that not everyone is a fan of the pun. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Oh sure, puns induce groans, but they also make you smile and as the saying goes, a good pun is its own reword. Here?s some more, just for the pun of it.
A pessimist?s blood type is always B-negative. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Sea captains don?t like crew cuts. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in colour, it?s a pigment of your imagination. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it?s an I for an I. A bicycle can?t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism, your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don?t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I?ll show you a flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. Even a calendar?s days are numbered. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Once you?ve seen one shopping center, you?ve seen a mall. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she?d dye. Acupuncture is a jab well done. What?s the definition of a will? (Come on, it?s a dead giveaway!)
Even better than puns are clever signs. I love signs that display a sense of humour. The sort of signs you see thumb tacked behind counters or slid in letter by letter, outside of buildings. Signs intended to make you smile. Here are some of the better ones.
Sign over Gynecologist?s office: ?Dr. Jones, at your cervix.? In a Podiatrist?s office: ?Time wounds all heels.? On a Septic Tank Truck: ?Yesterday?s Meals on Wheels? At a Proctologist?s door: ?To expedite your visit please back in.? At a Towing company: We don?t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.? On an Electrician?s truck: ?Let us remove your shorts.? On a Maternity Room door: ?Push. Push. Push.? At an Optometrist?s office: ?If you don?t see what you?re looking for, you?ve come to the right place.? In a Retail Store:
?Children left unattended will be given an Espresso and a free puppy.? On a residence fence: ?Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.? At a Car Dealership: ?The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment.? At the Electric Company: ?We would be delighted if you?d send in your payment. However, if you don?t, you will be de-lighted.? At a Radiator Shop: ?Best place in town to take a leak.?
Some signs are meant to be serious, but end up humourous just the same. Like the one I saw at a golf course that reads, ?Any Persons (other than players) Caught Removing Golf Balls From This Course Will Be Prosecuted and Have Their Balls Removed.?
Other signs can be irritating. Like when you approach the town of Dawson Creek from the north on the Alaska Highway, you come upon a series of signs. One has arrows showing you to turn right for the ?Dangerous Goods Route? or go straight to the ?City Centre.? A few metres later a second sign indicates the turn off to the weigh scale and reads: ?Permit Centre.? Everything?s coming up Oxford, until Webster suddenly rears up on a third sign proclaiming, ?City Center.?
Ah well, whether you spell it center or centre, the important thing is that your centre is filled with signs of humour.
That?s humour spelled with a ?u?.