Police Blotter

Welcome back to the blotter, where the facts don?t matter and some dramatic license has been taken. Snow?! Can you believe it? I?m beginning to think that I?ve been had. When I was considering moving to Tumbler Ridge, the clincher on the deal was the fact that the RCMP told me that I had banana and coconut trees in my back yard. Apparently what they meant was you?re bananas for moving up there.

I hate to say this, but ?I told you so.? Now before we get into this little argument of ?Did not,? ?Did too,? ?Did not…,? I did too. Another Bambi was nailed on the Dawson Creek Highway at about 100 kilometers an hour. Although there were no injuries in the mishap, there was a lot of laundry to do.

Speaking of laundry, let me tell you about a little incident that occurred to yours truly. I was called to an injured moose on the Chetwynd Highway. This moose had both hind legs broken, was lying in the ditch, and was trying to make a 9-1-1 call for an ambulance. After searching for this animal for a million kilometers or so, I finally found it right where they said it was. (Yes, I?m a male and directionally challenged). Instinctively I went back to my training, and tried to recall what my firearms instructor said about where to shoot a moose. The only problem is that I remembered the class, but I was a bit fuzzy on the details. My instructor, bigger than life, said, ?When you are required to put down a moose, make sure you….? And that?s where the fuzzification began. Make sure you what? Make sure you shoot him in the nose?..no, that ain?t right. In the tail?..maybe, but a moose tail is such a small target and they?re kinda hard to hit. In the heart? That?s it, I?m pretty sure he said heart or head, but only one, cause if you shoot it in the other place it doesn?t work very well. So here I go walking in the ditch with my mind firmly made up, I?ll place one shot in the head, no I mean heart. Did I say Heart, I think I meant head, yep for sure it?s the heart, no waffling. Did you ever see the size of moose ear up close? They are about the size of those digital satellite dishes that the rich people in town have on their houses. So I put the barrel of the gun near the moose?s ear and was ready to pull the trigger when it happened. The stupid moose looked at me. As I looked into those deep, dark eyes, I think I made a connection with the critter. Although I can?t speak moose, I was pretty sure it was trying to communicate in a telepathic sort of way. ?Remember your training, shoot for the tail.? That?s it, I remember it all crystal clear now. The tail. How could I have forgotten such a critical detail. It was then the moose turned its head and smiled. I?ve been had again! ?Ha.? I said. ?Ha, don?t you know that the Mountie always gets his moose?? So I pulled the trigger. I now know the problem with shooting a moose in the ear. Back splash. The cone shaped ear creates a perfect spray pattern that covers a 5 foot 10 guy from head to toe. You think this is funny? A representative of Her Majesty the Queen covered in moose fluid. Just then, the Conservation Officer from Chetwynd pulls around the corner and sees the local Mountie plastered in blood. His eyes were as big as saucers, until he figured it out in about half a second. (Experience makes the processing of data much faster.) Hardy har har. Hardy har har. That?s all I heard for 10 minutes. Laugh, gasp, point, snort…those Conservation guys have no sympathy, and I beginning to think that they need a little bit of professional courtesy training. Anyway, I?m going to phone my Firearms instructor and tell him to be much more emphatic when he covers such crucial topics.

Moving on, I thought that I would inform everyone of the Tumbler Ridge Detachment boundaries. There seems to be some misconception that the local detachment is only responsible for the ?town.? The provincial government sets the area, and they have determined in their wisdom (don?t roll your eyes) that the boundary is as follows. North on Hwy #52, the Dawson Creek Highway, for 55 kilometers. East to the Alberta border, North and West to about Gwillam Provincial Park, and South for about 80 kilometers. This area includes the Wapiti Forest Service Road, The Red Deer FSR, The Red Willow FSR, Rat Lake Road, The South Grizzly Road, The Kinuseo FSR, Monkman Park, and a myriad of new roads that seem to be built on a daily basis. As you know, the oil and gas industry is booming right now, and there is a significant amount of workers out in these areas. It is our mandate to patrol these areas. If any of you have had the pleasure or misfortune of traveling on Boundary Road or the Heritage Highway, you know that most people have a motto concerning their vehicles, ?Drive it like you stole it.? I am surprised that no one has wrapped their vehicle around a tree yet. Having said that, I think it?s high time that a few patrols happen, and that a some ?coupons? be handed out. I can just imagine the first person stopped for speeding, ?Can?t you give me a warning?? Then I?ll say, ?Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I?m warning you not to do that again of I?ll give you another ticket.?

A bunch of other stuff happened as well, but it?s mostly small potatoes.

Until next next,

Keep it between the ditches.

Cpl. Kurt Peats