The POLICE BLOTTER

(to July 10, 2005)

I don?t think Kurt will ever come back. He says he?ll be back by next week but I?m skeptical_ Be kind to him if he returns. Manitoba may have addled his brain (not that it wasn?t before just more so now) Enough about Kurt. I don?t go after wounded prey. This is my second kick at the cat and it?s also the second time I have waited until 0300 to write it. I find I get a little punchy around now so I guess it?s the perfect time to sit back and take potshots at a few people.

The ?kid? and the ?boy? are smarting about being called the ?kid? and the ?boy?. They were considering calling me grandpa, however, after careful consideration, they ?decided? to call me ?Uncle Pat?.

Enough about us. Let?s get to the morons who kept us busy this week.

The boys were called out early Sunday morning to investigate a suspicious individual at the Shop-Easy. The subject of complaint was nowhere to be found until the complainant showed up and said that buddy was near the recycling bins. Could he be in one of them? The boy started playing the drums on the bins with his baton and just about jumped out of his skin when buddy stuck his head out wondering what was going on. His neighbor also decided to get up and see what the noise was about too. Apparently, the recycling bins went condo. That?s a sign that the real estate market is really picking up. Can you get a mortgage on a durnpster?

Here?s an example of why some idiots need a curfew. The boy was awakened by someone yelling outside sometime after midnight a few days ago. He got up to investigate just as Dispatch called to say that someone was being assaulted outside his house. He dressed and ran out (he said he got dressed but I bet he went out in his gitch) to find an intoxicated male (moron) who had just assaulted an acquaintance and was hiding in the bushes. Apparently, the male did not want to come peacefully and decided to tussle with the boy. The boy won and moron felt a little pain. Just remember, if the nice policeman arrests you and you decide you don?t want to be arrested, he or she can inflict pain in order to secure your compliance. Pepper spray and the Thomas A. Swift Electrical Rifle are also options. The kid was in the shower at the time and ran out a few moments too late to join the fun. He said he got dressed too but why was he only wearing a towel when I got there?

An issue came up while dealing with the idiot from the last paragraph. Teenagers take note. When you turn 18, you can vote in a federal election and serve in the military. That makes you an adult. If you break the law, you will be treated like an adult. No more milk and cookies, bedtime stories, and definitely no calling mommy and daddy. If you do the crime, take your consequences like a man (or woman as the case may be). We are under no obligation to inform your family if you get tossed in the bucket.

This issue came up last night. The baseball diamonds are a public place. The law says there is no drinking booze in a public place. Therefore, leave your booze at home. If you don?t, the nice policeman may come and pour it out and give you a ticket. Remember, I love the smell of a freshly poured beer. Shame on the naughty boy who was calling me filthy names. Usually, calling the nice policeman names does not help one?s cause; now or in the future.

This one deserves an honourable mention for the Darwin Award. Some moron from Alberta (not all Albertans are morons) set out from Grande Prairie bound for Tumbler Ridge. He thought it would be nice to have one or two (or a dozen) on the road. He missed the three signs outside of Dawson pointing to Tumbler Ridge and missed the turnoff. He drove to Chetwynd. He missed that turnoff too.

Somewhere along the way, he turned around and got on the right road. Then he missed the two exits and drove right past TR. Bound for Quintette, our intrepid moron drove off the end of the first straight stretch and rolled the company van. The kid and I showed up to find that he was hosed (guttered, hammered, smashed, wasted, sloshed, tanked, juiced, gooned, soused, gowcd, sauced,…you get the picture). He spent some time at our house and he won?t be driving anytime soon. It ain?t cool to drink and drive. I do concede that he was very polite. (Of course, you usually are polite when you know you?re hooped.) No really, he was a good guy.

Here?s a little lesson on what can happen to a drinking driver. First comes the 24 hour prohibition, then comes the three month driving prohibition, then comes court, then comes a one year driving prohibition and a $600 fine. Then comes the $5000 bill from the lawyer who said that if he couldn?t get you off, he?d eat a slug. Nice.

Gotta go. The sun?s corning up and I need some shuteye before church.

I love you all.(Even Mr. Potty Mouth)

Cst. Pat Jenkins Pretend Corporal in Charge