THEORY OF RELATIONSHIP-IVITY

The innards of my house are falling apart and I know the reason why.

I have enlightened the public with my theory before, but it bears repeating as recent evidence is adding even more credibility to it all.

Besides, they?ve been repeating Einstein?s theory for decades, so I can repeat mine once. Mine is the theory of relationship-ivity; Relationship equals Appliance Melt Down divided by Seven and what?s more it irrefutably lays to rest the mystery of the seven year itch.

Let me simplify things. Appliances can be compared to the light bulb. If one burns out, you better buy a few boxes because you know its going to be nothing but snap, crackle and pop for the next 10 days, and I?m not talking Rice Krispies. The reason being that originally the light bulbs were all put in at the same time, so it makes sense they are always going to burn out at the same time. Since a light bulb is smaller than an appliance, its life span is shorter. Which brings me up to the seven year itch (and here you thought I was just rambling on about nothing).

Newlyweds are all happy and lovey dovey not for the reasons you might think, but because they start off with all those wonderful gifts; sheets, towels, pots and pans, dishes, coffee makers and of course, all those nifty new appliances.

Okay, so things are humming along happily for the first seven years until, just like that, all the sheets disintegrate at once, the towels become threadbare, the pots are too scuffed, the dishes are too chipped and the happy little couple are now faced with replacing all their gifts at great expense. On the heels of all that, the appliances start to break down in a comedic line up of pops, gurgles and sizzles. Stress moves into the guest room.

As a result the couple are facing what might be their first crisis and, unless they?re millionaires, they are about to see a side of each other that they never saw before. She might discover that he doesn?t know his bolts from his nuts and he might discover that financial hardship brings out the ugly in her. Or maybe they are still wild about each other, but overlook that fact in the all important quest to marry someone else just to replace all those towels (towels are, after all, pretty darn important; not to mention expensive).

For reasons unexplained, we survived both our seven year wear out and our 14 year breakdown of appliances only to find that shortly after our 21rst anniversary the whole vicious cycle has started up all over again. It has been another seven years, so I suppose any intelligent person with a grade three grasp of mathematics should have been expecting it. I wasn?t. Go figure.

Shortly after our divisible-by-seven-anniversary the freezer and the dryer rolled over and gave up their last breath. Now, a mere five months later the dishwasher has also given up the ghost, closely followed by the hot water tank which has recently started producing only enough hot water for one short shower every three hours.

Here?s a marriage tester; come in from the cold after doing chores and find a certain someone who wasn?t outside doing chores had a shower to warm up because looking outside made him feel kind of cold. Well, maybe I?m putting words in his mouth. He babbled some sort of nonsense about having to shower because he was leaving to go to work, but I wasn?t really listening. I couldn?t. My teeth were chattering too loud. So here I am with a major case of toque-itis which makes my hair look scary enough to have me pass for Albert himself. It made me think that when this theory gains momentum and makes me famous, there will be a poster of me too.

Now that?s enough out of you. Did I ask what you thought? Didn?t think so. Allow me my dreams. I?m having a very bad hair day, I?m cold, I hate doing dishes, I?m freshly broke from Christmas and what?s worse, we?re only half way through our appliance breakdown cycle.

I think I?ll go back to bed while we still have one.