Tumbler Ridge Blotter

Kurt Peats

Hello Neighbour and welcome to the inaugural (no that ain’t it) the inaugural (pfft) welcome to the first edition of the Tumbler Ridge Blotter. By the time this hits the press, silly season will be in full swing. I’m speaking of the BC Provincial election. There are going to be a lot of politicians walking around and shaking babies’ hands and kissing their mothers (or something like that). So I thought that I would write a quick guide on how to survive the next month. Words are important, and as the English language continues to evolve, new words are formed everyday that express our thoughts and feelings. I’ve included a few words that you just might find useful at the coffee shop or a work.

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. Could also mean that feeling you get when you submit your income tax.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you accidentally walked through a spider web. This is similar to the dance which involuntarily occurs when a politician makes a statement that you disagree with.

Dopeler Effect (n.) The tendency of dumb ideas to sound smarter when they come at you in rapid succession. No comment, next.

Karmageddon (ad) It’s like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s, like, a serious bummer. (Just to let you know, these types of conversations are true and they just make my ears bleed).

So there you go, you now have the ammo that you need in order to quickly and effectively express your point of view. In order to make these terms really “pop,” you need to practice. Try them out on your friends and family. Set up your unsuspecting grandpa, the one who always complains about the government. Bait him with, “You know, Grandpa, I think old geezers should pay way more taxes than us young people because old folks don’t do anything with their money anyways.” Just be careful, you’ll either have to run very fast or call 9-1-1.

Words are fine, but what can you do when a politician shows up at your door and you really don’t want to talk to him? You can refuse to answer the door, but he’ll just leave some junk mail, or you can have a little fun. Here are some quick tips that will ensure your success.

When he is standing at your door all smiley like, be very serious and say, “Your princess is out of its castle.” This is devious, but deep down, a lot of fun. You can rate him on his subtle dance moves, or if he’s more into interpretive dance, well, that’s a gift that keeps on giving. If you think that this is too hard, try staring intently at his nose and point to your own. When he starts digging around his nose, you can say, “Hey, they’re looking for miners down at the mine site, and I hear that the pay is pretty good.”

Over the next few weeks, you’ll be inundated with politicians of all colors and stripes, who will be trying to sell their various brands. I hope that a few of these techniques will help you survive. As the Boy Scout motto goes, “Always be prepared.”

We’ll talk to you again another time.

Until then, keep it between the ditches.

Kurt Peats is the former head of the Tumbler Ridge RCMP detachment and current Conservative Candidate. We asked him to write a few non-partisan thoughts on the elect