(up to March 26, 2005) Hello neighbor and welcome back to the Blotter, and what a week it?s been here in the Ridge. Has there been a full moon recently? Let me tell you, the calls that we received this week were bordering on the lunatic fringe. Oh well, job security I guess.

We had a rather interesting call at the Saddle Club the other day. Seems they were getting ready for their AGM and the members were divided on what type of food to serve after all the formalities. Half of the group wanted beans but the other half were thinking fancy. ?Do you mean like wieners and beans fancy?? they asked. ?No.? was the reply, ?Fancier.? That?s where the problem started, how do you get fancier than wieners AND beans? Caviar, was the response. Well, being an agreeable bunch they took up a collection to purchase some, and sent in the food person to Dawson Creek to get it. The problem is that you can?t get much of this stuff for $18.63. In fact you can only get about four tablespoons full. An emergency meeting was held where most of the members got to take a look at caviar for the first time. To some of the good old boys it looked like tapioca pudding with some gunpowder and buckshot mixed in. So a plan was devised right there and then. They were going make their own batch, the womenfolk would bring the pudding and the men would find some old shotgun shells. The meeting went well, and the do afterwards was pretty tasty. As one of the members was leaving he walked over to his vehicle but dropped the keys before he could unlock his door. As he bent over to retrieve the keys, the buck shot rubbed against the gunpowder and unfortunately he shot a dog that was in the back of the pickup parked next to his. You just don?t shoot a cowboy?s dog and get away with it. The police were called and the only officer on shift was the ?new guy.? Well he attended the scene, spoke to the witnesses and was pretty sure that some sort of crime happened but couldn?t quite put his finger on it. With all the cowboys offering advice and the dog yelping he just needed some quiet time to think. He remembered from training that if you seize all the available evidence, that you can always go back on another day to lay the correct charge. And that?s when the manure hit the ventilator. He walked over to the cowboy who shot the dog and tried to seize the weapon. There?s only one thing that makes a cowboy madder than shooting his dog, and the new guy found out what that was. Eventually cooler heads prevailed, and it was decided that next year they probably wouldn?t go as fancy as they did this year.

Finally, after a myriad of false and abandoned 9-1-1 calls, we received one that had some merit. In fact, we received several calls about the same incident. A local resident was fixing his chainsaw in his garage when disaster hit. The saw was in pretty good shape, but the plastic handle was cracked. To buy a new plastic housing was almost the same cost as a new saw. So the guy went to town and bought some crazy glue. Being a male, he was not satisfied with those chincey little tubes of glue, but bought the big industrial can. As he was gluing the plastic together, he was being as careful as could, but he still managed to glue his hand to the saw. Try as he might there was just no way that he could free his hand. He took a step back from his workbench to assess the situation when he stepped on a rake and brained himself. In his woozy state, he stumbled forward and knocked over the can of crazy glue, spilling it all over the bench. He didn?t realize that the glue had spilled on his hand until he began to rub the back of his head where the rake had hit him at full speed. It was then that his predicament became apparent and he knew that in order to get out of this pickle he would need help. With a chainsaw stuck to one hand, and his other hand was stuck to the hair on the back of his head he needed a plan. His wife hadn?t worn nail polish for years, and he was pretty sure that any old bottles of nail polish remover were long gone. He didn?t want to ask his wife for help, as there would be no end to it. So he did the next best thing, he walked over to the clinic. As he opened the door, the nurses took one look at this guy with a chainsaw stuck to one hand and his other hand rubbing his head and they got rattled. In their younger days, the nurses had seen many a horror movie entitled ?Texas Chainsaw Massacre? and the like. They just couldn?t believe that something like this could happen in such a small, quiet town. Besides, they were much too young to die, they had families, responsibilities and it would be a shame to pay into that pension plan all those years and not be able to collect. As the guy walked towards them in order to seek help, the nurses began to throw their clipboards at him. In order to protect himself, he was soon using the chainsaw like a sword, trying to deflect the various flying objects. The police finally arrived, and the situation settled down. When the guy was finally able to speak he only asked one question, ?Did my wife call the clinic before I got here?? If you see a guy walking around town with a bald patch on the back of his head, please let him go about his business in peace. He has suffered enough.

I hope you enjoyed April Fool?s Day as much as I have. I?ll be out of town for the next couple of weeks or so and my cohorts will be helping out with the Blotter.

We?ll talk again next week, the good Lord willing.

Keep It Between The Ditches,

Cpl. Kurt Peats