Tumbler Ridge Police Blotter

Hello neighbor and welcome back to the Blotter, and what a week it?s been here in the Ridge. The art of communication, I?m finding, is a much more difficult that it appears on the surface. Sometimes I think I?m very clear when I speak, however the message gets totally screwed up by the listener. As a result, I?m always on the prowl, looking for words or terms that I can use to try and get my point across. What I usually find are words that contain most of the alphabet, are impossible to pronounce and fly over the heads of the intended audience.

As the English language continues to evolve, new words are created and some old words get their definitions changed. The words I like best are formed from two separate words and a new definition is created. Just so that there is no confusion, I?m going to throw some new words at you along with their definitions. It?s real important to read what the word says, otherwise you?ll miss the point. Hold on to your hat, here goes.

Bozone (n.) the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration (n.) the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Hipatitus (adv.) Terminal coolness.

Karmageddon (ad) It?s like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it?s like, a serious bummer.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you?ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you?re eating.

And finally,

Dopeler effect (n.) the tendency of dumb ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

So if you find these terms somewhere in the Blotter, you?ll know what I?m trying to convey. By the way, you should see some of the ones that are only for private consumption, they?re so bad they?re good.

Is it just me, or does it sound like World War III around here almost every night? We consistently get ?Shots fired? type of complaints. Just about all of these complaints can be traced back to a ?Bear Banger? type of device. For those of you who don?t know what a bear banger is, I?ll explain. It?s simply a noisy thing that you shoot at bears. It doesn?t hurt the bear, it just scares them away. These devices have now turned into a form of Redneck entertainment. Drink a beer, shoot one off. Drink two beers, shoot one off. Drink three beers..you get the pattern. So if you see a redneck giggling and his single tooth wiggling, you can rest assured that he was probably the one who set of the banger you?re about to report to the police.

How many helicopters do we have parked in town? About 8, and all of them were entered the other night. Once inside, the culprits stole sunglasses, a digital camera, a bicycle and a headset. These items, except for the bicycle, are still missing. I?ll make it worth you while it you tell me where these items are or who has them. But do you really want to know what the most disturbing thing is about the incident? Once inside the helicopter, the bad guys pushed every button and flipped every switch they could get their hands on. The pilots are very concerned that when they fly the next day, that they might have missed something in their pre-flight check and that it could be a problem at thousand feet or so. If you are a regular passenger in one of these machines, keep a close watch on them as they are parked. It will be to your benefit.

We have had over 40 prisoners so far this year. How do you get to spend a night in cells? Well, let your imagination be your guide. Apparently we need to consider a rewards program….something along the line of stay three times and the fourth time is free. One guy got to spend the night in cells because he was caught urinating on a downtown street. Try and explain that one to your wife or boss.

A vehicle theft was reported and the suspect lived just north of Edmonton. Guess what? A phone is faster than a car. The Bad Guy caught in Morinville, Alberta with the car. Apparently it?s true what they say about the bozone layer.

Don?t forget about the RCMP Community Meeting in the Community Center on September 21, at 7 pm. Feel free to bring along your wife, or your girlfriend, but not both. (The RCMP will provide the entertainment). I?m looking forward to meeting with you. We?ll talk again next week the Good Lord willing.

Keep it between the ditches.

Cpl. Kurt Peats