Hello neighbour and welcome back to the Blotter, and what a week its been here in the Ridge. I was out on patrol the other day and got way back in the bush. Since the ?bad guy? business was a bit slow, and the police radio was quiet, I tried to tune into the AM-FM radio. Just static. So I got to singing ?We all live in a yellow submarine,? and after the 30th rendition, I was bored out of my skull. So I tried the AM radio again. This time there was a faint signal and I picked up a classical music station. Not exactly my cup of tea, but beggars can?t be choosers. The more I listened, the more I realized that there are only two kinds of classical music.

There is that ?Airy Fairy? type that relaxes you and gets you off your guard. The music is all warmth and light and just when you think happy thoughts, BOOM! It gets real dark. It?s the same music Alfred Hitchcock uses for the shower scene. Everything is real good until the slasher arrives.

The second type of classical music is funny. It?s the kind Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd listen to. It makes you feel light on your feet, and given the chance, you could dance just like one of those cartoon characters. Do you remember when Elmer was hunting ?those pesky widdle wabbits,? and Bugs was always one step ahead? It?s the second type of music that is playing in the background. Same goes for when Bugs is cutting hair at the barbershop.

So there you have it, a fourth year university course on Music Appreciation in five minutes. See, the Blotter is good for more than the bottom of a bird or hamster cage. OK, OK, let?s get to work.

Five motor vehicle accidents were reported to the police over the past week. A Toyota pickup lost against a sign post and a fence lost against an unidentified vehicle. A pickup travelling on a Forest Service Road swerved to miss an oncoming semi. The pickup left the road and hit a few trees and rocks. (Now would be a good time to buy a radio if you plan on travelling on a radio controlled road.) Two other guys were bored so they too drove off a Forest Service Road for something to do.

The next call is one that makes you go ?huh?? A pickup travelling on Highway 29 was attempting to turn left off of the road. A long ways behind the pickup was a semi. The pickup stopped on the Highway and just sat there. The semi slowed down and since the truck wasn?t moving, the semi pulled around the pickup and subsequently stopped to see if he could be of some assistance. As the semi driver walked back to the pickup, the driver of the pickup got out of the cab and tore off his jacket. He challenged the semi driver to a fight and began to chase the semi driver, on foot, down the highway. The semi driver ran past his semi and would probably have gone to Chetwynd if the pickup driver hadn?t stopped. As the pickup driver returned to his pickup, he walked past the semi, reached in, and took the keys. The pickup driver took off, leaving the semi parked in the middle of the highway, unable to move.

The police arrived and sorted out the situation. You be the judge, what was the semi driver charged with? A) Theft (of keys from the semi.) B) Assault (for chasing the driver of the semi down the highway.) C) Dangerous Driving (For parking in the middle of the highway and causing extreme risk to all motorists.) D) Nothing – as this is what a school yard fight looks like when you?re forty or so. The answer – Nothing! That?s right, the semi driver didn?t do anything wrong, but the pickup driver is going to be charged with (A) + (B). Tricky question eh?

I can hear it now, ?Boo! Hiss! You?re crazy! The semi driver never laid a finger on the pickup driver, and therefore your honour, my client walks.? Nice try you armchair quarterbacks, but the Criminal Code defines assault under section 265 (1)(b) as ?…attempts or threatens, by an act or a gesture, to apply force to another person, [and if the ?victim? believes that the assailant has the means to carry it out]…is guilty of assault.? That?s right, you don?t have to hit anyone to be charged with assault. A pull of the hair, a slap in the face, a poke in the eyeball will get you a little one on one time with the judge. So will a foot chase after another guy. Just because you?re out of shape and can?t catch him does not negate the charge.

Now that winter has kind of arrived, be careful on the highways, especially on curves and hills and when meeting oncoming vehicles. The roads can be deceptively slick, and before you know it, you?re picking rhubarb out of your teeth.

We?ll talk again next week The Good Lord willing.

Keep it between the ditches.

Cpl. Kurt Peats