Hello Neighbour, and welcome back to the Blotter, and what a week its been here in the Ridge. I don?t often do this, but desperate times calls for desperate measures. This edition is for the guys only. Would all you womenfolk please stop reading now. Thank you. OK guys, now that we?re alone, I need to pass on to you some crucial information. Guess what big day is coming up? (Don?t give me that ?deer caught in the headlights look? that you give your wife.) It?s Valentines. With all those subtle and not so subtle hints that you have been receiving, don?t tell me you didn?t clue in?
So I dutifully went to buy my wife a card, and most of them were way too sappy, and the funny ones cost five bucks. Too much for my blood. So I decided to pay attention to see what?s actually written in those sappy ones. Most of them comment on a woman?s physical features, in a poetic sort of way. So I thought to myself, ?Hey, why not develop our very own Peace Country greeting card?? So here goes.
1. Take a cereal box and cut out the front. Gals like fancy ?card stock? type of paper. ?Card stock? simply means thick.
2. Write on the back side of the card stock. (It would be a shame to write all over Tony The Tiger?s face.)
3. In order to write your poem, you need to follow a formula. First get her attention, then talk about one of her features. Once you?ve got that nailed down, just keep talking about as many features as you want, one right after another. Do this till you hand gets sore.
4. Sign your name, first and last name. Don?t make up a fancy romantic one (just in case she confuses you with someone else.) If You?re going to use a ?pet? name make sure it sounds foreign. I searched my library (I only have one book, the Criminal Code) and the only names I could come up with were deviant, victim, or pedofile, (not exotic enough.) Since the only foreign name I know is Guy Lafleur, that?s the Pet name I?m going to use.
5. Once you?ve done a good job, make the card appealing by gluing macaroni on the front. (Don?t use spaghetti.)(Trust me.)
I learned from Martha Stewart that you need to demonstrate what your selling, so I made up my own card.
On the front it said ?You are a girl.? Once you?ve caught their attention, they can?t resist and they?ll open up the card and read the innards.
On the inside it read:
You have two eyes; (Never say one or three)(Same principle for teeth.)
They shur are purdy,
Just like the milk cow?s, ?cept yer lashes ain?t as long.
You have good hair;
Longer than the hair on the milk cow?s tail,
?Cept yers ain?t as tangly, and yers smells better. (At this point they?ll be eating out of your hand. All you have to do is finish strong, and Bam! You?re a hero.)
Yer sure keep yer face clean;
It?s never covered with oats or grass or snot.
I like to kiss you. (Welcome to hero status.)
Signed: Your Hunka, Hunka, Burnin? Love.
Kurt Peats (aka Guy Lafluer.)
OK, the gals can now start reading again. Time to get to work and see what kept the boys busy over the past week or so. There wasn?t a Blotter last week due to a stoopid computer that wouldn?t cooperate, (it was the computer, not the operator.)(Honest.)
As you travel on Highway 52 about 7 kilometres East (towards the Quintette mine site) you?ll notice that on the right hand side, some land is being cleared. This land is being developed for future acreages. The owner of the property reported that there has been a lot of ?unauthorized? traffic on the property. The biggest concern is with snowmobiles and ATVs. The land was surveyed and there are a ton of surveyor?s stakes in the area. The ATVs and snowmobiles have been running over the stakes, and a considerable amount of time, effort and money is expended to replace them. If you want to go for a ride, please be careful where you drive. This time, it?s a friendly reminder.
Did you see that hydrant on main Street that was run over? The vehicle that ran over the hydrant was reported stolen several hours after the incident. The owner of the vehicle is now being charged with Public Mischief. This is a charge that occurs when a person reports to the police something that did not happen. Kinda like running over a hydrant and then reporting your vehicle stolen so that ICBC will pay the whole tab. The owner will be attending court to answer to the charge. You?d be surprised how many ?good? ideas come from the bottom of a bottle.
Did you ever see those ?Roadside Screening Devices? that the police carry? These devices are used when police suspect that someone has been drinking and driving. A breath sample is obtained roadside, and if a person fails the test, they are brought back to the office to provide breath samples into a much larger instrument that provides a printed copy of the results. The boys were out a house party when a car pulled up to the house, and spun a ?donut? in front of them. The guy was pulled over and was read a demand to provide a sample of his breath into the device. The driver refused and subsequently will be attending court to answer to this charge. Here?s some info for you; you have to provide a sample of your breath when a demand is read. It?s not a request, a suggestion or a good idea, it?s a demand, authorized by law. If you refuse to provide a sample of your breath, the penalty for refusing is the same penalty as impaired driving or driving over .08 mgs.
On February 11, 2006 I?ll be in Fort St. John writing a four hour promotion exam. Last year I scored slightly below moron. But I feel good this year, I?ve chosen a new colour of crayon, and will no longer base my answers on the answer sheet of the person sitting in front of me (unless they look smarter than me.)
We?ll talk again next week the Good Lord willing.
Until then, keep it between the ditches.
Cpl. Kurt Peats