Hello neighbor and welcome to the Blotter, and what a week its been here in the Ridge. You know, there comes a time in every man?s life when he suddenly realizes that he is no longer cool. Try as he might, he can never regain that certain je ne sais quoi that he had in his youth. Lots of men, when they realize that their youth is spent, try and make up for it in various ways. Some buy a big Dodge Diesel, others trade in their wife for a twenty something, and me, well, I bought an iPod. For those of you who don?t have the foggiest idea what an iPod is, let me explain. It?s exactly like a tape recorder, but totally different. Instead of being the size of a breadbox, it?s about the size of a credit card. With an iPod, you download (steal) your favorite music off of the net. You then play the music through headphones, and everyone looks at you and says, ?Wow, that guy?s cool.?

So there I was sitting in my office the other day with my headphones on listening to Shania on my iPod. I didn?t know the verse too well, but I could really nail the chorus. In fact, the louder I turned up the music, the more I sounded just like her. By the time I got to the last chorus, I was really into it. Unbeknownst to me, I was really belting it out. The other people in the office thought (and rightly so) that I had left the radio on, and came in to turn it down. When they saw me singing into my pen, they were astounded. In my mind, I could hear Simon off of American Idol saying that I was exactly what that show was all about. Since I was at a level above everyone else, he told me to make sure I put lots of feeling into the song. So I had my eyes closed and was trying to convey that raw emotion that was inside me to my make-believe audience. As soon as I sang that last line of the song, ?Man, I feel like a woman!? I opened my eyes. The boys were standing there with a stunned look on their face…..just like a calf looking at a new gate. The New Guy started to clap, and the others, well, they just laughed. That hurt. I now know what Shania has to go through; it?s not easy being famous.

OK, OK, let?s get to work. Inebriation kept the boys busy last week. One fellow, with a couple under his belt, decided to walk home. This plan was a good idea until he tried to get into his house. His keys wouldn?t work so he resorted to pounding on the door, kinda like Fred Flintstone. The only problem was that Wilma wasn?t home. In fact he completely got the wrong house. The homeowner, not seeing any humor in this situation, called the police. ?Fred? was taken into custody and spent the night on the cement couch in cells.

Another fellow was minding his own business, weaving his way down the road. And for no good reason, the police pulled him over. The fellow was given a 24 hour license suspension, had his vehicle towed, and then entered into conversation with the police. ?Do you have a warrant out for your arrest?? Asked the nice policeman. ?Who me?? responded the astonished inebriate. ?You?re the only one out here in the middle of the night.? chided the officer. ?My mother took care of that for me, honest.? lied the bad guy. ?No she didn?t.? said the officer. ?I guess she doesn?t like you.? The warrant is now taken care of.

A guy was sitting in his truck, in the Res-Can parking lot. He was there for a long time, and every once in a while, he would bang his head on the back window of his truck. Unusual? Not for Tumbler. The guy was ?let go? from work, and was waiting for the mail to be delivered so that he could get his pay cheque. And to be spoken to by a police officer, well, that was the last thing he needed.

The police, fire and ambulance were called to a single vehicle accident about five kilometers north of town on Highway 52N. A gal heading into town went off the road at highway speeds and down over a steep embankment. Upon arrival of the emergency crews, the driver was unconscious, and was being given first aid by some very capable people. The driver was transported to the Tumbler Ridge Health Center where she was examined by a doctor. She remained unconscious for almost two hours, when all of sudden, she opened her eyes. After being examined, she felt pretty good and was allowed to go home with her friends. There were no lasting injuries.

Here?s a question for you. If you are on conditions not to drink, where is a good place to stay away from? That?s right, the bar. OK, what if you don?t like the no consume alcohol condition, what can you do? Not a whole lot, except go to court again and register your disapproval with the judge. Maybe THIS time the judge will clue in, and change his mind. My advice is that if you threaten to hold your breath until the conditions are changed, that will probably help your case.

Well folks, that?s about all there is for this week. We?ll talk again next week the good Lord willing.

Keep it between the ditches.

Cpl. Kurt Peats