Tumbler Ridge Police Blotter

(Up to April 01, 2006)

Hello Neighbour and welcome back to the Blotter, and what a week its been here in the Ridge. This has been one of those weeks from Hades. If it could go wrong, it did go wrong, and that?s not Murphy talking. I?ll dispense with the usual opening and get right into the nuts and bolts of the goings on. You know, every job has grunt and flair components, and this week, it was heavy on the grunt factor.

This one confuses me. I checked the hunting regulations and the rut is scheduled for the fall. Apparently this does not apply to humans. Two guys were duking it out over a vixen from another community. You know the kind of vixen I?m talking about – all hips and lips. It seemed that both guys claimed her as their very own squeaky toy, and they were unwilling to share. Whenever she was near, she cast a spell on the boys and they operated in a trance-like state. Well, the rut hit unexpectedly and the bulls decided that they would both try and claim the prize. The police attended the scene and arrested both for fighting. The guys were thrown into the same cell, and it was not long before they began talking like old friends. They apologized for the way they acted, and each did not want to press charges against the other. They were released into the custody of the said vixen, and within 20 feet of the detachment, the fight was on again. It appears as though she cast her spell on the boys again, mush to the same effect. So I got to lookin? in the Criminal Code, but try as I might, I couldn?t find anything under witchcraft. I?ll have to give my counterparts in Salem Oregon a call and see what section they used.

Did you ever wonder what police put in their reports? And why they keep them so secret? Let?s give you an opening line that was contained in one of this week?s files: ?I had to use my light sabre (taser) because the dog chased me across the school ground.? It seems that the New Guy was dispatched to a dog complaint at a local school. The dog in question was chasing anything that moved, especially kids. The New Guy, with a lot more experience under his belt, attended the school and dealt with the situation. He stood in the school yard and called, ?Here kitty, kitty, kitty.? The dog perked up its ears and bolted towards the New Guy. The closer the dog got, the less confident the New Guy became. The New Guy ran across the school yard screaming like a school girl and tried to get into his locked police car. Rover, however, covered a lot more territory than the New Guy counted on, and as such, the only escape was to climb on the roof of the car. As he was up there, a small girl walked over to the dog, put her arms around its neck and gave it a hug. The little girl looked at the New Guy on the roof of the car and stated, ?I?m sorry if Pumpkin scared you Mister, its just that he can smell fear and goes wild.? So the police report ends by stating: ?I used a significant amount of self control and settled the situation without having to fire a shot.? Now you know what is written in the police files.

A call was received from a work camp about one of their residents. It seems that he was acting strange and was sitting in the dining room and was taking off his clothes. See what I mean about a weeks from Hades? The boys attended, but try as they might, they were unable to convince the guy to put his clothes back on. They arrested him for being drunk in a public place (big surprise, I know) and took him back to jail. Once in the cells, the guy completed his task and removed every stitch of his clothes. This seemed like a good idea at the time, however he did not count on how cold the cement floor was. The guy was subsequently confused by a higher math problem. ?Hmm, my underwear had three holes, but I only have two legs.? When you?re not thinking clearly, this is quite a difficult problem. Do you know how many combinations you have with three holes and two legs? Six. And he tried every one of them, yet somehow did not end up with the right configuration. And folks, that?s why your mother told you to always wear clean underwear.

One more and that?s it! I will say one thing about this last one, when I read the file, it locked up every gear in me. Police officers see people at their maddest, saddest and baddest, and sometimes, it?s a real chore for the police to see the good in people. Did you ever have one of those experiences where you looked at a situation and came to exactly the wrong and opposite conclusion of what really happened? Hoo boy, that ain?t the half it! We were dispatched to an domestic assault in progress. A neighbour had their windows open when they heard a female shouting, ?Stop!? Then they heard the female shout again, ?Get off!? Fearing a serious felony in progress the police hit the after-burners and attended the scene. As fate would have it, the New Guy was the first to arrive. He stopped at the front door and heard the female inside the residence yell, ?Hurry!? She was screaming at the top of her lungs, and the New Guy, sensing that he could finally be a hero, took one step back and kicked in the front door. Having a gallon of adrenaline in your veins really helps to send a door flying. The New Guy ran into the livingroom where he located Grandma and Grandpa watching TV. Grandpa had his hearing aid turned down because he can?t stand it when grandma yells at the television. You see, Grandma is a curling fanatic, and she yells at the curling rocks all day long. ?Stop! Get off! Right off! Leave it alone! Don?t touch it.? You can easily see how the damage to the front door wasn?t really the New Guy?s fault.

GOTCHA! What?s that, two years in a row now? That?s right, April Fools Day is here again. (And no Mom, nothing is real. It?s all made up, honest.) For those of you who caught on, good for you! For those of who thought this was real, you?re sick in the head and might consider getting it examined. Next week, however, you can believe every word I say, honest.

We?ll talk again The Good Lord willing.

Keep it between the ditches,

Cpl. Kurt Peats