Tumbler Ridge Police Blotter

Hi Santa!

Do you remember me? I was the boy last year who asked for a pair of Elton John sunglasses, a magic princess wand (a real one) and a duck. I guess you figured out my less than honorable intentions and thats why you skipped my house. This year, I will only ask for presents for other people.

The New Guy took up running ?cause he said his thighs were getting too big. Whenever he runs, his legs chafe together and they become red and sore. He was hinting around the office that he wanted a pair of ?manties.? Could your elves make him some underwear? Please make sure they are soft, silky and strong enough for a woman but made for a man.

Sir-Lunch-A-Lot is hard on groceries and has almost bankrupt our little canteen. Could you get him a ?calorie counter?? It will have to have lots of numbers and be like the one you gave Roseanne, Kristy Alley or Oprah.

Fat Pat from Medicine Hat is witty and has lots of good zingers. The only problem is that he directs them at me and somedays it s all I can do not to cry. Could you please make him a ?Zinger Collar?? Its like a shock collar for dogs. Please send the collar to him and the control to me.

Pork Chop has been a good boy this year. His work is up-to-date and he treats all people with fairness and respect. He takes care of himself, cleans the house and eats a well-balanced diet. Pork Chop has only one problem…no sense of fashion. In fact its rather embarrassing to be seen with him in public. When we walk downtown, most people shout out, ?Where?s the circus?? And Pork Chop, being the nice guy that he is, replies: ?I?m unaware that there is a circus in town, but if you hold on I?ll find out and get back to you.? Could you please get him the DVD set of ?What not to wear.? or a sense of fashion? The whole detachment thanks you.

I?m doing OK, but my heart is still set on that duck.

Alright, lets get to work and see what happened in this fair hamlet.

A male reported that he was drinking with his two buddies and, big surprise, eventually they got into an argument. One of his buddies ?threatened? to burn down the house, thus the call. The caller did not want the police to charge his buddy, just to scare him. Boo! Case closed.

With the warm, cold, warm weather pattern that weve been experiencing lately, the roads are as slick as a Vegas dealer. Just ask the person who slid through a stop sign and T-Boned another car. Both vehicles needed to be towed and the person who slid through the stop sign was given a traffic ticket. One more time…as the driver of a vehicle, you are 100% responsible for ensuring that your vehicle is under control at all times. The slippery road excuse will fall on deaf ears.

A group of youths were throwing ice chunks at passing vehicles. A motorist called the police and a youth was apprehended. There was no damage to the vehicle, however the youth was taken home to his parents.

A possible set of cougar tracks were located on the middle bench. When I say ?cougar,? I mean the cat type. The paw prints were too large for a house cat. The conservation officer was contacted and will be looking into this a bit further. Since we live in the back country, its very natural for these animals to pass through town. Please be careful when storing your garbage, any attractants left out will likely mean the end of the cat.

Do you remember ?Kokanee? the dog who was busted out of prison a while ago. Well, he was captured and returned to doggie prison. Kokanee was busted out again, causing significant damage to the District of Tumbler Ridge property. The investigation is ongoing and criminal charges will be laid once sufficient evidence is gathered.

Well folks, this is the last Blotter for 2006. I hope you have a very happy Christmas and a very merry New Year. Well talk again next year the good Lord willing.

Keep it between the ditches.

Cpl. Kurt Peats